Sunday, May 5, 2013

Changes & Baby Steps

So yesterday, I wrote after a three month hiatus, and here I am wanting to write more. I was so afraid that if I showed the public my sad, depressed, not-so-enlightened, definitely-not-youthful-yogini side that I would....I would....hmmmmm....not sure what I thought. Crumble to a million pieces? Ha! There's my own twelve-year-old self saying, "Be careful! Don't go there! What will they all think?"

When I swirl thoughts around in my head, playing out the 100th possible outcome, then throw my hands up in the air and say, "Oh, forget it!", then I know that I have knocked myself down again.

I started this blog to get to know myself better. I wanted to grow. But what I didn't prepare myself for was the pain. Remember those growing pains when we were kids? I do! They sucked! My limbs were on fire, my hips hurt, but I don't remember the pains stopping me in my tracks. My growing pains for the last few months have done just that: STOPPED ME IN MY TRACKS!

I said to my sister during a phone conversation about a month ago: I guess I have to wade through this pain, because hiding from it is doing no good. Now I finally think those words are starting to stick. I will be making myself a promise--I'm not sure I'll keep this one, but I will try--write, write, write! It feels so good to get all my thoughts out there, even if I'm not detailing what going on in the Whelan household at the moment. Actually, we Whelans are not unique. Our problems can be seen in any fiction/non-fiction book about marriage, relationships, children, etc...and in that there is comfort.

When we were first married and up till a year or so ago, Jeff and I promised we never be like our parents. We'd do better. We wouldn't fight about the age-old topics. But alas! It has happened: We've turned into our parents. UGH! And to prove this point, I'm adding a little anecdote:

On February 23 of this year, I forgot my parents 50th anniversary. You can't imagine how that made me feel (or maybe you can) when on February 24 I open an email my mom had sent me. In the subject line read: Happy Anniversary, and below was a picture of herself and my dad at their favorite restaurant enjoying their anniversary. Oh crap! So of course when I call my mom, and my dad fields the call (which he never does) I know I'm in deep dodo. My mom was so terribly disappointed. Of course I cried and then spilled my guts about what was going on in our household. And as my mom is trying to calm me down (she can't understand my sorry sobbing ass) I hear my dad in the background say loudly: "What's the worse that can happen? They turned into us!" Of course that broke the tension and I laughed/sobbed the rest of the conversation. And of course we took them out to dinner to celebrate a belated anniversary.

So what's the point of this blog post? I don't know. I just know that I'm growing. It hurts, but I'm growing. My yoga practice is still good, not excellent, but good. And maybe someday I'll blog about yoga again. Namaste.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

To Date

It has been quite a while since I've posted...things have been hectic to say the least in the Whelan household. I've decided not to blog because I felt that I had nothing inspirational to offer. And maybe I don't, but I did learn something about myself today: Acceptance.

I asked my therapist if he felt I were spiraling out of control. He took a very measured amount of time answering my question, but in the end, he said, "You are growing." Hmmm? Really?

The pain (emotional) that I have been feeling has been overwhelming. For years I stuffed every negative thought or feeling and it ended up as pockets of pain in my body (samskaras) which I've mentioned before in my post The Price of Perfection. I've always tried to make others around me happy, and in the process I have neglected my own needs.

Unfortunately for me, and those around me, when I exploded emotionally, I started doing for myself, however, in not so healthy ways. I have a few near misses in my life recently and it has brought me face to face with the rest of my life. This moment of clarity (in and out of the therapist's office) has been so illuminating: I had to go through every painful (and hell, I mean painful) moment to get to where I am right now.

But don't take this post as "Hey, look at me! I'm out of the woods!" Hardly. I have a lot of work to do ahead, but I trust that I am guided by my higher power who knows just where I need to be in any given time. I would ask, politely please, "Lighten up a bit on me, kay? Ahem...that was directed at me...not God.