Breath Work

A dear friend of mine made a comment today about a link I had posted on Facebook: Yogic Breathing with Seane Corn. I find the breath to be amazing, as I had written in The Subtleties of the Breath. She had stated that she didn't want to do yoga until she lost her weight. She said, "When I lose most of my weight I'm diving into yoga...it simply wasn't designed for fat people."

My response to her was that yoga is available to everyone. It is all about breath and awareness. When we break down our misconceptions about yoga, it becomes accessible to everyone. I remember when I first started getting The Yoga Journal, and one of the first covers I saw was of a woman doing the crow pose.This pose seemed completely unreachable to me. But years later, as I broke down the pose into its smallest of parts, my mind was able to envision how it was supposed to look. Once I got the image and the "feel" of what it would take to do that posture, it began to become more attainable. I am in no way a crow pose expert, far from it, but when I fly in that pose, if I am not mindful of my breath and aware of where my body is in space, I will do a face plant for sure.

So to put a finer point on it, yoga is breath and awareness of our bodies and minds in space and time. Period. The trouble is, remembering that. Namaste.

Changes & Baby Steps

So yesterday, I wrote after a three month hiatus, and here I am wanting to write more. I was so afraid that if I showed the public my sad, depressed, not-so-enlightened, definitely-not-youthful-yogini side that I would....I would....hmmmmm....not sure what I thought. Crumble to a million pieces? Ha! There's my own twelve-year-old self saying, "Be careful! Don't go there! What will they all think?"

When I swirl thoughts around in my head, playing out the 100th possible outcome, then throw my hands up in the air and say, "Oh, forget it!", then I know that I have knocked myself down again.

I started this blog to get to know myself better. I wanted to grow. But what I didn't prepare myself for was the pain. Remember those growing pains when we were kids? I do! They sucked! My limbs were on fire, my hips hurt, but I don't remember the pains stopping me in my tracks. My growing pains for the last few months have done just that: STOPPED ME IN MY TRACKS!

I said to my sister during a phone conversation about a month ago: I guess I have to wade through this pain, because hiding from it is doing no good. Now I finally think those words are starting to stick. I will be making myself a promise--I'm not sure I'll keep this one, but I will try--write, write, write! It feels so good to get all my thoughts out there, even if I'm not detailing what going on in the Whelan household at the moment. Actually, we Whelans are not unique. Our problems can be seen in any fiction/non-fiction book about marriage, relationships, children, etc...and in that there is comfort.

When we were first married and up till a year or so ago, Jeff and I promised we never be like our parents. We'd do better. We wouldn't fight about the age-old topics. But alas! It has happened: We've turned into our parents. UGH! And to prove this point, I'm adding a little anecdote:

On February 23 of this year, I forgot my parents 50th anniversary. You can't imagine how that made me feel (or maybe you can) when on February 24 I open an email my mom had sent me. In the subject line read: Happy Anniversary, and below was a picture of herself and my dad at their favorite restaurant enjoying their anniversary. Oh crap! So of course when I call my mom, and my dad fields the call (which he never does) I know I'm in deep dodo. My mom was so terribly disappointed. Of course I cried and then spilled my guts about what was going on in our household. And as my mom is trying to calm me down (she can't understand my sorry sobbing ass) I hear my dad in the background say loudly: "What's the worse that can happen? They turned into us!" Of course that broke the tension and I laughed/sobbed the rest of the conversation. And of course we took them out to dinner to celebrate a belated anniversary.

So what's the point of this blog post? I don't know. I just know that I'm growing. It hurts, but I'm growing. My yoga practice is still good, not excellent, but good. And maybe someday I'll blog about yoga again. Namaste.

To Date

It has been quite a while since I've posted...things have been hectic to say the least in the Whelan household. I've decided not to blog because I felt that I had nothing inspirational to offer. And maybe I don't, but I did learn something about myself today: Acceptance.

I asked my therapist if he felt I were spiraling out of control. He took a very measured amount of time answering my question, but in the end, he said, "You are growing." Hmmm? Really?

The pain (emotional) that I have been feeling has been overwhelming. For years I stuffed every negative thought or feeling and it ended up as pockets of pain in my body (samskaras) which I've mentioned before in my post The Price of Perfection. I've always tried to make others around me happy, and in the process I have neglected my own needs.

Unfortunately for me, and those around me, when I exploded emotionally, I started doing for myself, however, in not so healthy ways. I have a few near misses in my life recently and it has brought me face to face with the rest of my life. This moment of clarity (in and out of the therapist's office) has been so illuminating: I had to go through every painful (and hell, I mean painful) moment to get to where I am right now.

But don't take this post as "Hey, look at me! I'm out of the woods!" Hardly. I have a lot of work to do ahead, but I trust that I am guided by my higher power who knows just where I need to be in any given time. I would ask, politely please, "Lighten up a bit on me, kay? Ahem...that was directed at me...not God.
Namaste.

Exercises to Combat Overuse of Muscles

OK, so I was out of commission for 3-4 weeks this past month due to an over zealous ego of mine and a body that wasn't willing to cooperate as far as I thought it should. I was in my wonderful Power Yoga class feeling ever-so limber and strong, and I decided to fly a bit higher in crow pose than I ever had before. Well my lower back and shoulders knocked my ego into submission. So after an MRI, a couple of therapeutic rounds of an anti-inflammatory, physical therapy, and daily use of a posture shirt I'm on the road to recovery.

It amazes me that every time I experience trauma (of any kind actually) I find such gifts in the aftermath. For example, the posture shirt I've been wearing is very comfortable, I wish they sold them in cute styles that I could wear by themselves and not under my regular clothing. (If any of you happen to know of some brand that does have snazzy styles, I'd love to hear from you.) And my shoulders are feeling much stronger and more relaxed. But what I think I like most of all is this Foam Roller I got from my physical therapist. My muscles feel like they have lengthened as a result, and in turn have been far more agreeable to me!

So in my effort to take my exercise to new levels, I've overdone it yet again. But this has also been a reminder to listen more closely to my body and be respectful of it and its limitations. Namaste.

Turmeric Milk

I came across a recipe for turmeric milk that I just had to try. Seems that turmeric is a kind of miracle herb that works on treating the immune system by decreasing inflammation. The benefits, the blog post states, go well beyond just treating inflammation. Slowing down the progression of Alzheimer's Disease? Really? Well I  was completely in love with the taste, though I couldn't get Jeff to try it. I said it tastes like a mild curry sauce that we get at our local Thai food restaurant. He prefers to keep that flavor with the Thai dishes we love, not to drink. OK, I get it. But, I think I'll be having this drink quite often. Click on 'turmeric milk' to take you to the blog called Frugally Sustainable. Let me know if you try it. Tell me what you think!

Power Yoga

I just returned today from a fabulous yoga class: Power Yoga at my local YMCA. The beautifully fit instructor, Liz, had us set up poolside to do our yoga practice. To be honest, I grumbled inside when I heard that we were going to be on the pool deck. I've never been one to introduce extra heat to my yoga practice, and I actually felt like fate was working against me (or working to my benefit, as I found out later).

We started with a quiet, grounding mountain pose, then very slowly started building heat in our bodies by doing a number of sun salutations. My muscles perked up and took notice! She then took us through a more fluid, vinyasa style yoga practice. About a third of the way through the class, I was sweating--sweating even more than when I attend my Zumba class! Maybe these hot yoga teachers are on to something! (I'm still reserving judgment, however!) I was amazed at her gentle, but focused approach. She gave quiet encouragement, and beautifully re-positioned students to get the most out of the pose.

Toward the end of class, she said something when we were in a reclining twist that just hit me right between the eyes! "We are as young as our movable spines. Take care of your backs." And yes, isn't that the crux of all yoga practices? Being mindful of our bodies (especially our spines and backs) so that we can keep them malleable in order to reduce injury.

I was amazed at how good I felt after the rejuvenating practice, especially since this weekend my body decided to have another flare up. No fun, and Jeff even questioned my decision to go to yoga. But honestly, I believe the moving and strengthening got to the center of my muscles and just made them respond lovingly. I will definitely be adding this class to my exercise repertoire! Namaste.

Gluten-Free Bread Using Bread Maker

I realized that I have been making many changes to my bread recipe, but hadn't shared the changes. This is a recipe that I use playing with different ingredients depending on my mood. The ingredients that I've changed are all in the recipe separated by or, so have fun experimenting! If you have tried this recipe and have found little tricks that work better for you, please let me know! Thanks a bunch! Enjoy!

Flour Mix

1 cup brown rice or sorghum flour

½ cup teff flour

½ cup garbanzo bean flour or chia seed flour or GF oatmeal

2/3 cup tapioca starch

1/3 cup potato starch or corn starch

1tablespoon xanthum gum

Scant T sugar

¾ tsp baking soda

Other Ingredients

4 oz. sour dough starter (substitute flour with gluten free flour)

2 XL eggs or 3 small

10.5 oz lukewarm tap water

1.9 oz. vegetable oil
1/4 cup honey or molasses (I prefer the molasses)

¾ scant tsp. apple cider vinegar

Scant 1/8 tsp dry instant yeast

1 ½ tsp salt (last ingredient to be added)

Putting it all together

•  Using a standing mixer with whisk attachment, at a medium/low setting beat the starter with water, eggs, oil, vinegar, and yeast.
• Add flour mixture and beat for 2 min. Add salt beat 1 more min.
• Put in bread machine pan and hit start. 
• A half hour before the bread is done, preheat the oven to 375º. Put a pan on the lowest shelf of the oven.
• When the bread is done, immediately remove the bread and place in the preheated oven directly on the rack.
•  Add a handful of ice cubes or a cup of cold water to the tray and bake for 15 minutes. This will give the bread a firm, heady crust. 
• Remove from oven and allow to cool for a few hours on a cooling wrack.
• Once cooled, use a bread knife to cut loaf. Separate each piece with a square of wax paper. Store in freezer. Your bread will last longer this way, and it really tastes best warm or toasted.

Just Sit with It!

Jeff was getting ready to run an errand, the boys were decompressing, and I decided I needed to write a post before going into the Christmas festivities. I asked Jeff what my topic should be. He said, "Surviving the holidays!" Ha! But actually, he's right. How to survive the holidays...that's a good one...

My youngest is on the healing side of 36 hours of lethargy and vomiting, but thanks to good ol' ginger ale, he's on the upswing. Just the thing we needed to start our holiday season, to be sure. Here's hoping we've all had this bug before and can skate through the holidays unscathed.

So instead of "surviving" the holidays, I brought my focus back to yoga. What would a yogini do? Hmmmm....what about sitting with the feelings and gently recognizing them for what they are and giving thanks to be able to put a name on the feelings and move on. There's nothing more than the present. The past is gone, and the future is yet to be, so I can be here and now and know that I am guided and protected and happy...even in the sadness, I am contented.

One of the hardest things to learn in yoga (it's a never ending practice--no perfection) is to sit still and breathe. Meditating on or just the act of acknowledging a feeling and breathing into the moment can dispel the enormity of the emotion. Dani Shapiro, author of Devotion,  deals with just this topic: finding calm amidst the confusion and hustle and bustle of everyday life. Finding that inner calm can be one of the most daunting tasks ever known (at least that's how it seems to me.) I am grateful to be reminded of the necessity of calm in order to survive the holidays. Using her experiences as this reminder, I think I will re-familiarize myself with some of my favorite meditations from Rod Stryker.

So maybe, just for today, I will "Sit with it" when I feel anxiety, depression, worry, fill-in-the-blank decides to visit my psyche. Maybe this can be a reminder for me. Just these three words. This might just be the New Year's resolution I've been looking for. The New Year is going to be amazing...I just know it, I can feel it. May you feel all your blessings and enjoy this holiday season!

The Price of Perfection

I have been unable to put into words what I've been feeling these past few weeks, but I think I’m starting to understand something about myself: how important it is  to NOT be perfect. I have struggled with perfectionism all of my life. I have striven to do the best and be the best at everything I do. If I put my mind to it, I can achieve it has been a worn-out mantra in my life--and possibly the root cause of my chronic pain.

Well in the past three or so years, I've not been able to keep up with that level of perfectionism.  It has a price, and it’s being paid in pockets of pain, samskaras, within my body and mind. In fact, a couple of months ago, my therapist said to me, “You are having a hard time learning how to be human!” When he put it that way, I could see the absurdity of it. Yes, I was having a hard time learning how to play the fool, learning to accept defeat with my National Boards, learning how to let go of the insignificant day-to-day stuff that we all seem to pack into a day, learning it's OK not to have all the answers. But what I’m finding, if I’m patient and try not to force situations to unfold the way I expect them to, is unexpected gifts unfold all the time. I'm not talking about the material gifts, but the gifts of the mind, body, friendships, and most importantly, gifts of the heart.

In my post Compartmentalizing Feelings I talked about being able to be present with every interaction I can. As a teacher, a traveling one at that, I meet many people. If I slow down enough to really give every person I meet my full attention, I find that there are beautiful gifts to be found in each one of these people. To deny myself this gift is a shame. I often get harried when I experience interruptions in my day and may not be able to give a person my full attention because of a time crunch or a deadline. And unfortunately, if my behavior, as a result of these interruptions, is not a reflection of my soul (inner guide, spirit, fill-in-the-blank...), this will affect how I live my life day-to-day. And in essence, be stored in my body and mind to be dealt with at a later time...this I will try to be more aware of as it happens.

Case in Point:
As I was finishing up this blog post, Jeff was putting dinner on the table. I just needed five more minutes, but already we were an hour late getting to the table on time. So I turned off my computer, and said, "Jeff, I've been working on this post for two weeks now, but I can't post it 'cause it's not P_____. Ah, the P word. I actually caught myself saying it, and decided that, perfect or not, this needed to be posted. Regardless of the imperfections. Which I'm sure are many....alas, it is OK, just as it is. Namaste.

My Asteroids

One of my favorite holidays has always been Thanksgiving. I especially love the day after even more. Jeff and I take the kids to his parents' house, go to Camelot Tree Farm, cut down our own tree, return home to start Christmatizing. I then have a turkey sandwich with lots of cranberries, a glass of egg nog (without the cheer), and then finish with the decorating.  We then turn off all the inside lights, save the Christmas tree and outside lights, and admire the beauty. We then pick up our children. When we turn down our street, and they begin to see the twinkling lights, their excitement turns to squeals. Magical! We are blessed to have huge windows in our old old house, so the sight is breath taking. This will all happen (I hope) according to plan this afternoon, but if the past couple of days is any indication of how today will turn out, I'm in for a ride!

It started early Wednesday morning. My depression took on a new low. Menopause sucks! Sucks, I tell you!!! It seems no matter what I did to try to put some light into my day, my mood kept getting sadder and darker as the day progressed. I had been preparing food all day to have Thanksgiving at my parents' house. This year, my lovely sister and her family spent it with us (she's from GA, so having her there was a real treat) along with Jeff's parents. Therefore, we all needed to be sure we had enough food, so the preparation would be taking me all day.

It was around 7:00 Wednesday night when I realized I had forgotten to pick up my hormone replacements from the pharmacy on Monday. I had been two days without it. (Now before anyone gets on my case about taking hormones, this is not estrogen. It's a bio-identical progesterone made from plants, and though there is no long-term studies about the risks of getting cancer from this bio-identical, not taking it would mean disaster for my family, my friends, my co-workers, and me...no fun!) So anyway, I realized this too late. The pharmacy was closed. Well then I started crying, and Jeff agreed I needed to figure out a way to get a hold of my pharmacist. I called their after hours hotline, and got a call from the pharmacist an hour later. While waiting for the call, I made my gluten-free pie crusts. I cannot understate the difficulty of making these pie crusts--they don't stick together, and what I had was a crumbling mess. Of course this didn't help my mood, and I cried even harder trying to press the crusts into the pie plates. Eventually I got it to work, and to be honest, it was the best pie crust I've ever had. Bar none! Tear-soaked and all!

Finally the pharmacist called and I explained my situation. I told him Jeff could meet him out at the clinic to pick up the medicine since he was on that side of town at the kids' karate class. He hesitated a few seconds, and I lost it--the crying started up again. Hearing my distress, he said he'd go out there and pick up the meds and drop them off at my house!!! Well, the blubbering increased. I knew there was a reason I liked this pharmacist more than any others in town. When he arrived, I threw my arms around him and said, "You've no idea what this means to me!"  And he gently said, "I think I do." Amazingly, he charged me only for the price of the prescriptions and nothing more.

Shortly after, Jeff and the kids arrived home. My oldest son said to me, "Dad told me about what's wrong. I'm so sorry about your asteroids." Well that snapped me out of it as only children can do! I laughed and laughed (and some crying mixed into that--I've had lots of practice). We had to explain that it was my hormones that were off kilter, and the hormone is called estrogen. Estrogen, asteroids....hmmmm....made sense to him.

So now as I sit here, Jeff is busily bringing up the decorations preparing for our day. I do know that today will be a wonderful day filled with beauty and love. I am so glad that I have a sense of humor about all this--warped as it may be. My wish for all of you is to have a safe, peaceful, and tear-free holiday. Cheers!