I am a deep thinker. Plain and simple. Not one to allow a thought to pass through my brain going unnoticed--nuh uh, not gonna happen--I will stop and wonder why on earth this thought decided to pop into my brain right at this very moment (sometimes at very inconvenient moments!) And, if I allow it, I will let it go and move on to the next thought.
There have been people (my therapist especially) who have thought it wise to make friends with my demons. This I struggle with, for I have no love in my heart for those demons. And maybe, unfortunately for me, therein lies the problem. What would happen if I did allow myself to extend love to those parts that I deem are wholly unworthy of my attention. My therapist feels that I would understand them better and let them go.
Looking back through my life I see that I have had many miracles happen as a result of the struggles. Had I not chosen to marry my first husband, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to realize what I didn't want out of life. I wouldn't have been given a new life with Jeff and my two kids. The divorce was painful, but necessary. It took me years to forgive myself and move on. Rarely do I think back on it now, but when I do, the pain is much less.
Currently, as I have blogged about before, 2013 has been probably the most difficult year of my life. The Whelan family is still recovering, but the acute pain we experienced that year is now down to a dull ache, and improving every day. While I did not enjoy 2013, I was given many gifts as I mentioned in Starting to Emerge into Youthful Yogini. Still, I cannot seem to get past certain areas of my life that have me stuck. I wish I could bypass all the work that needs to be done, but I know that's the coward's way out.
An area where I struggle the most is trying to be good to myself without forsaking others. My guiltometer seems to run at full tilt. I would like to be able to relax into learning how to develop my individuality more deeply, rather than worrying about what I'm neglecting in the process. Whenever I take care of myself, I find that my relationships deepen. So why the worry? I honestly do not have the answer to that question.
Some of the people I admire most are those that "appear" to have made peace with their lives and have made no excuses for their choices. Usually these people are a few years older than me and have experienced life in more ways than I have. My biggest wish is to be able to adjust to my desires and embrace them fully with a zest for life in the process.
Maybe all of what has happened in my life has made me a better person. I don't know. Maybe one day I will learn to deal with my deep emotions and embrace them (warts and all as a friend of mine likes to say) and not be afraid to confront them and even "snuggle" with them occasionally. That I'm afraid will take quite a while to get used to.
Namaste.
