The Price of Perfection

I have been unable to put into words what I've been feeling these past few weeks, but I think I’m starting to understand something about myself: how important it is  to NOT be perfect. I have struggled with perfectionism all of my life. I have striven to do the best and be the best at everything I do. If I put my mind to it, I can achieve it has been a worn-out mantra in my life--and possibly the root cause of my chronic pain.

Well in the past three or so years, I've not been able to keep up with that level of perfectionism.  It has a price, and it’s being paid in pockets of pain, samskaras, within my body and mind. In fact, a couple of months ago, my therapist said to me, “You are having a hard time learning how to be human!” When he put it that way, I could see the absurdity of it. Yes, I was having a hard time learning how to play the fool, learning to accept defeat with my National Boards, learning how to let go of the insignificant day-to-day stuff that we all seem to pack into a day, learning it's OK not to have all the answers. But what I’m finding, if I’m patient and try not to force situations to unfold the way I expect them to, is unexpected gifts unfold all the time. I'm not talking about the material gifts, but the gifts of the mind, body, friendships, and most importantly, gifts of the heart.

In my post Compartmentalizing Feelings I talked about being able to be present with every interaction I can. As a teacher, a traveling one at that, I meet many people. If I slow down enough to really give every person I meet my full attention, I find that there are beautiful gifts to be found in each one of these people. To deny myself this gift is a shame. I often get harried when I experience interruptions in my day and may not be able to give a person my full attention because of a time crunch or a deadline. And unfortunately, if my behavior, as a result of these interruptions, is not a reflection of my soul (inner guide, spirit, fill-in-the-blank...), this will affect how I live my life day-to-day. And in essence, be stored in my body and mind to be dealt with at a later time...this I will try to be more aware of as it happens.

Case in Point:
As I was finishing up this blog post, Jeff was putting dinner on the table. I just needed five more minutes, but already we were an hour late getting to the table on time. So I turned off my computer, and said, "Jeff, I've been working on this post for two weeks now, but I can't post it 'cause it's not P_____. Ah, the P word. I actually caught myself saying it, and decided that, perfect or not, this needed to be posted. Regardless of the imperfections. Which I'm sure are many....alas, it is OK, just as it is. Namaste.

"Showing" Up For Life

It seems that life is just a series of showing up--day after day. Some days seem like you know the script perfectly, others--not so much.

Today, I will be taking my National Boards for Professional Teaching Standards exam. This will be the third attempt to get it right. Granted, my score has improved (and thank God those are "banked") and all I have to do is show up, be present, and do the best I know how to do.

On Facebook, I had posted on my status for everyone to wish me luck and say prayers for me today when I take my test. The outpouring of good wishes made me feel beyond wonderful. I know I can do this. But one post made more sense to me than ever. My friend (and fellow actor and stage manager) had posted this: "Take a deep breath and focus .... concentrate only on the "show" ... not the "audience" ... you got this role down cold!"   THAT is the key! It seems I focus so much on the outcome, but forget that there's a process. So taking the test will be like a play: I've rehearsed and rehearsed, and now everything I know is coming together for a spot-on performance. I will carry this with me today and shine!

"It Runs in the Family"

"Heaven Can Wait"

"Stelaaaaaahhhhhh!"

Courtroom scene in "To Kill a Mockingbird"