It has been quite a while since I've posted...things have been hectic to say the least in the Whelan household. I've decided not to blog because I felt that I had nothing inspirational to offer. And maybe I don't, but I did learn something about myself today: Acceptance.
I asked my therapist if he felt I were spiraling out of control. He took a very measured amount of time answering my question, but in the end, he said, "You are growing." Hmmm? Really?
The pain (emotional) that I have been feeling has been overwhelming. For years I stuffed every negative thought or feeling and it ended up as pockets of pain in my body (samskaras) which I've mentioned before in my post The Price of Perfection. I've always tried to make others around me happy, and in the process I have neglected my own needs.
Unfortunately for me, and those around me, when I exploded emotionally, I started doing for myself, however, in not so healthy ways. I have a few near misses in my life recently and it has brought me face to face with the rest of my life. This moment of clarity (in and out of the therapist's office) has been so illuminating: I had to go through every painful (and hell, I mean painful) moment to get to where I am right now.
But don't take this post as "Hey, look at me! I'm out of the woods!" Hardly. I have a lot of work to do ahead, but I trust that I am guided by my higher power who knows just where I need to be in any given time. I would ask, politely please, "Lighten up a bit on me, kay? Ahem...that was directed at me...not God.
Namaste.
Showing posts with label samskaras. Show all posts
Showing posts with label samskaras. Show all posts
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
The Price of Perfection
I have been unable to put into words what I've been feeling
these past few weeks, but I think I’m starting to understand something about
myself: how important it is to NOT be perfect. I have struggled with
perfectionism all of my life. I have striven to do the best and be the best at
everything I do. If I put my mind to it, I can achieve it has been a worn-out mantra in my life--and possibly the root cause of my chronic pain.
Well in the past three or so years, I've not been able to
keep up with that level of perfectionism.
It has a price, and it’s being paid in pockets of pain, samskaras, within my body
and mind. In fact, a couple of months ago, my therapist said to me, “You are
having a hard time learning how to be human!” When he put it that way, I could
see the absurdity of it. Yes, I was having a hard time learning how to play the
fool, learning to accept defeat with my National Boards, learning how to let go
of the insignificant day-to-day stuff that we all seem to pack into a day, learning it's OK not to have all the answers. But
what I’m finding, if I’m patient and try not to force situations to unfold
the way I expect them to, is unexpected gifts unfold all the time. I'm not talking about the material gifts, but the gifts of the mind, body, friendships, and most importantly, gifts of the heart.
In my post Compartmentalizing Feelings I talked about being able to be present with every interaction I can. As a teacher, a traveling one at that, I meet many people. If I slow down enough to really give every person I meet my full attention, I find that there are beautiful gifts to be found in each one of these people. To deny myself this gift is a shame. I often get harried when I experience interruptions in my day and may not be able to give a person my full attention because of a time crunch or a deadline. And unfortunately, if my behavior, as a result of these interruptions, is not a reflection of my soul (inner guide, spirit, fill-in-the-blank...), this will affect how I live my life day-to-day. And in essence, be stored in my body and mind to be dealt with at a later time...this I will try to be more aware of as it happens.
Case in Point:
As I was finishing up this blog post, Jeff was putting dinner on the table. I just needed five more minutes, but already we were an hour late getting to the table on time. So I turned off my computer, and said, "Jeff, I've been working on this post for two weeks now, but I can't post it 'cause it's not P_____. Ah, the P word. I actually caught myself saying it, and decided that, perfect or not, this needed to be posted. Regardless of the imperfections. Which I'm sure are many....alas, it is OK, just as it is. Namaste.
In my post Compartmentalizing Feelings I talked about being able to be present with every interaction I can. As a teacher, a traveling one at that, I meet many people. If I slow down enough to really give every person I meet my full attention, I find that there are beautiful gifts to be found in each one of these people. To deny myself this gift is a shame. I often get harried when I experience interruptions in my day and may not be able to give a person my full attention because of a time crunch or a deadline. And unfortunately, if my behavior, as a result of these interruptions, is not a reflection of my soul (inner guide, spirit, fill-in-the-blank...), this will affect how I live my life day-to-day. And in essence, be stored in my body and mind to be dealt with at a later time...this I will try to be more aware of as it happens.
Case in Point:
As I was finishing up this blog post, Jeff was putting dinner on the table. I just needed five more minutes, but already we were an hour late getting to the table on time. So I turned off my computer, and said, "Jeff, I've been working on this post for two weeks now, but I can't post it 'cause it's not P_____. Ah, the P word. I actually caught myself saying it, and decided that, perfect or not, this needed to be posted. Regardless of the imperfections. Which I'm sure are many....alas, it is OK, just as it is. Namaste.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)