I am so bored. This is a new-ish emotion for me. Childhood,
sure. I got bored. But as an adult with two kids. Nope. Yet here I am. Mid-March
we were shelter-in-place. Was supposed to be two weeks off (including the
spring break that followed). That turned into one month, then two without
seeing my students face-to-face. Google Meets at my dining room table became my
classroom. I have to admit, it was fun. I enjoyed seeing my students in their
homes—interrupted by their brothers, sisters, pets, parents. But that, too,
came to an end. My daily routine came to a halt. So, I decided to do all the
little projects that needed doing. My kids just think I’m doing useless chores…they
may have something there. But I committed to doing about three projects a week.
Things were looking pretty good at home. I still have more (invented) chores to
do, but I just can’t seem to muster the enthusiasm…as if I had any before.
And now this flippin’ heat wave. Nuts! My garden is my safe
haven, my therapy, my respite from all things mundane. And I get beauty from
all the time I put into it. Except now. The weeds are loving this humid, icky
weather. Even at 8:00 a.m. the air is like a moist (hate that word) blanket.
So, on our nightly walks (which has been getting later and
later to combat the heat) my husband suggested I start writing. I used to write in my blog quite often with
whatever fit my fancy at the time. But what to write about now? I got nothin’.
Again, Jeff said, “Why not write about how bored you are.” I can do that.
I have hobbies that I love: the aforementioned garden and beading.
Currently, I’ve been watching tutorials on how to bead rings and intricately
designed bracelets and earrings. I ate that up. For about two months. I’ve
explored as much as I had supplies for. Oh, and…Hobby Lobby is closed. Crap!
Say what you will about HL, but I love that store.
But wait! There is something I look forward to every week.
Horseback riding lessons! Just the hour and a half I spend grooming, tacking,
riding, and occasionally hosing-down the horses is just enough to reset my
meter. For the past five weeks, I’ve been lessoning twice a week to make up for
the two months where we weren’t riding. This is the first week I have only one
lesson. I need to rethink going back to twice a week. This pent-up energy needs
an outlet.
Am I complaining. Damn straight I am. Should I? Maybe. Maybe
not. When I teach my online meditation classes the one thing I discuss is
noticing what you feel in your body and your mind. Follow your breath. Just
notice. Well, taking my own advice, I am noticing. I notice that my mind is on
a racetrack and I am an active participant—not the observer as I encourage
others to be. If I follow the thoughts to my body I see that the epicenter of
all this is in my sacral chakra (lower belly area below the naval). When this
area is out of balance, which mine is at the moment, there is suppressed
creativity, resistance to change, and suppressed emotions. I get that. I’ve
been trying to find a reason for all of this, but it may be that I’ve gotten
tangled up in my web of anxiety. I tell my students: make no judgement, just
notice. Maybe if I put my teachings into practice, I might feel better.
So, if I can put it out there: maybe a couple of times a
week I can sit and do just this: Ramble. I can then look back over the weeks
and see how I am changing. The inner critic tells me that it is wrong to feel
bored. There is so much to do. Look at all those other people who would kill to
be in your place. It’s hard to silence that part of me. We all are allowed to
feel what we feel. What we do as a result of those feelings might just define
us.
