It's Been Three Years

Life happens and we roll along--sometimes smelling the roses, other times just getting by. Today as I'm writing this, I'm reflecting on all that has occurred in the past three years. The list is long. At this time in my life, I have two kids in college, but amazingly, we are financially sound. 

Following the pandemic, I realized, as I think many of us did, how much we do have even when we are stripped of so much. Jeff and I were talking the other day about how we slowed down during that time and took walks nearly every day. I find that I connect so much more to myself when I am outdoors. I have continued with riding lessons, though I've yet to jump (hoping before I turn 60!) My connection to the horses has deepened. They recognize me immediately now, and our energies seem to jive. Apples and banana offerings don't hurt either. 

Jeff and I are learning what it will be like to be empty nesters. We are not completely there, but have had months without one boy or another with us. I think we will do OK. It helps that we like each other a great deal! 

Self healing has been the theme these past three years. During this time my dad died, my mom had emergency surgery, I had a full knee replacement, and Jeff's dad died. So much has happened and my heart has been on auto pilot. I've begun doing energy work on my chakras and sitting in meditation much more these past three years. The heart chakra is a tricky one. There is a sense of vulnerability when releasing pent-up trauma. Somehow the heart gets stuck. I'm learning that when sadness comes full-force, that my heart is ready to release. I'm feeling better. 

My wishes are we can heal as individuals, as a nation and as a world. Things are changing--there's no doubt. What a gift it is to notice these changes and to play a part in moving our world toward enlightenment.

Daily Ramblings Part I

I am so bored. This is a new-ish emotion for me. Childhood, sure. I got bored. But as an adult with two kids. Nope. Yet here I am. Mid-March we were shelter-in-place. Was supposed to be two weeks off (including the spring break that followed). That turned into one month, then two without seeing my students face-to-face. Google Meets at my dining room table became my classroom. I have to admit, it was fun. I enjoyed seeing my students in their homes—interrupted by their brothers, sisters, pets, parents. But that, too, came to an end. My daily routine came to a halt. So, I decided to do all the little projects that needed doing. My kids just think I’m doing useless chores…they may have something there. But I committed to doing about three projects a week. Things were looking pretty good at home. I still have more (invented) chores to do, but I just can’t seem to muster the enthusiasm…as if I had any before.

And now this flippin’ heat wave. Nuts! My garden is my safe haven, my therapy, my respite from all things mundane. And I get beauty from all the time I put into it. Except now. The weeds are loving this humid, icky weather. Even at 8:00 a.m. the air is like a moist (hate that word) blanket.

So, on our nightly walks (which has been getting later and later to combat the heat) my husband suggested I start writing.  I used to write in my blog quite often with whatever fit my fancy at the time. But what to write about now? I got nothin’. Again, Jeff said, “Why not write about how bored you are.” I can do that.

I have hobbies that I love: the aforementioned garden and beading. Currently, I’ve been watching tutorials on how to bead rings and intricately designed bracelets and earrings. I ate that up. For about two months. I’ve explored as much as I had supplies for. Oh, and…Hobby Lobby is closed. Crap! Say what you will about HL, but I love that store.

But wait! There is something I look forward to every week. Horseback riding lessons! Just the hour and a half I spend grooming, tacking, riding, and occasionally hosing-down the horses is just enough to reset my meter. For the past five weeks, I’ve been lessoning twice a week to make up for the two months where we weren’t riding. This is the first week I have only one lesson. I need to rethink going back to twice a week. This pent-up energy needs an outlet.

Am I complaining. Damn straight I am. Should I? Maybe. Maybe not. When I teach my online meditation classes the one thing I discuss is noticing what you feel in your body and your mind. Follow your breath. Just notice. Well, taking my own advice, I am noticing. I notice that my mind is on a racetrack and I am an active participant—not the observer as I encourage others to be. If I follow the thoughts to my body I see that the epicenter of all this is in my sacral chakra (lower belly area below the naval). When this area is out of balance, which mine is at the moment, there is suppressed creativity, resistance to change, and suppressed emotions. I get that. I’ve been trying to find a reason for all of this, but it may be that I’ve gotten tangled up in my web of anxiety. I tell my students: make no judgement, just notice. Maybe if I put my teachings into practice, I might feel better.

So, if I can put it out there: maybe a couple of times a week I can sit and do just this: Ramble. I can then look back over the weeks and see how I am changing. The inner critic tells me that it is wrong to feel bored. There is so much to do. Look at all those other people who would kill to be in your place. It’s hard to silence that part of me. We all are allowed to feel what we feel. What we do as a result of those feelings might just define us.